my being single is dangerous.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
