I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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