if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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