Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Randomize
