i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
