tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize