Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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