I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
