Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
