I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
