it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
