Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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