dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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