I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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