At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Randomize
