the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
he told me I talked like a deaf person
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
