how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
