I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
