Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
