i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Randomize
