For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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