My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
The feeling are messing with the penis
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize