Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
