I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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