Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Randomize
