you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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