I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I need moral support for this bender
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Randomize
