Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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