Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
