Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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