He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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