do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Randomize
