There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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