I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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