Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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