i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
