So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
