I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
