I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
