Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Randomize
