Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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