That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
