He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
