you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize
