I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
