My friends, they love my intelligence
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
She bit a glass in half.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
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