smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
