I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
My apartment stinks of burning failure
We smell like vodka and hangover
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