She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Damn victory sex feels great
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
