I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
