I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I accidentally had phone sex last night
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
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