I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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