You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
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