I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
