he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
