I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
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