brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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