Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
