Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
