i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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