i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize