I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize