I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
