Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Randomize
