I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
