Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
