There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
